ali_kira

I'm finally done the research phase of my thesis. Which means that now I'm beginning the writing phase (well the writing phase post the thesis proposal from WAY back) and that means I'm back in a stage of procrastination (though I seem to be getting better at that, thanks in part to my gamification strategy and also to the fact that my health is better and the weather is better and I'm not spending the month of May traveling every weekend (just the months of April and June apparently).

So apparently I'm writing this little blog update in a sort of procrastination strategy/method of getting things done: things in this sense mean thinking about things and trying to get solidified some writing strategies and deadlines. I've outlined a bunch of things both in life (eg. which months are going to be most expensive [June due to travel and September due to tuition], and which tasks I need to focus on when [both thesis and non thesis related]). I'm still trying to be somewhat superhuman when it comes to getting things done, partially as I want my cake and I want to eat it too so to speak, and I know that I need those little social interactions that make me go to be happy.

I also apparently need my limbs to be behaving. They haven't been horribly bad lately but my arms have been falling asleep and/or causing me pain/numbness/soreness on occasion. Not self-limiting as much as they have been but it's still annoying. I've been a bit of a klutz (hitting my funny bone, making a mess in the kitchen, etc.) but I've also been eating somewhat better and trying to drink more fluids. I'm still struggling to get/stay caught up on the things I had neglected during my travel and conference-filled April... but I'm definitely happy with where things are and where they're going.

Just like the most of you, I dislike losing an hour. But more than that I dislike the fact that the time change means that we're at a different time difference from areas of the world that change at different times (and in different directions than the rest of us). I dislike that we have to remember which areas do not change (eg. areas of Arizona, the province of Saskatchewan, Hawaii, many countries around the world and formerly other places too etc.). This video talks about some of these issues:



But what annoys me further has always been the fact that folks simply don't express what time they're in properly most of the time. For example I'm now in MDT, meaning Mountain Daylight time, but folks continue to use the MST abbreviation all year round (Mountain Standard Time). This is pertinent as it helps clarify precisely what time we're dealing with -- particularly when one of my other pet peeves is people being late (particularly without good reason, though I've gotten better at dealing with this frustration over the years).

Realistically it would be much simpler if we didn't use Daylight Saving Time at all, wouldn't you think?

... yes life decisions do have a tendency to do that, don't they? As I strive to improve the sense of balance in my life (and actually get more thesis work done as a consequence), things don't necessarily become any easier, of course. That said, I am reminded once again of what I want to do and why I want to do it. Some hopes and dreams become goals to strive for, some become things to be on the look out for, some simply remain hopes and dreams while I concentrate on other things. But they're still there, just as the desire to create art and the desire to be involved, be active and be online continue to war with my needs to spend time just on my own doing 'me' things outside of those spheres. But what are the hopes and dreams I've been thinking about lately? Many are things I've focused on my whole life, some are becoming nearer all the time (like, hopefully finishing these degrees eventually), while others remain tantalizingly far away.
- Finding a significant other I would like to settle down with who feels the same way about me and who shares enough of the same goals/dreams/etc. that we can make things work (yes this is probably a tad more realistic than the ol' tru luv desire a la Princess Bride, but it's still something that feels far off, unfortunately I guess... oh well). Maybe it's my biological clock talking, or my awareness of so many others in my age demographic who are there already but this desire seems to get stronger as time goes on.
- Finishing school. This desire becomes all the more real the more things from the Alberta Budget come to life. I really want to be done. And the more I think about that, the more I work at being productive and actually getting stuff done (not just thesis stuff, but lots of stuff, really).
- I want to be more financially well off (not that I'm not doing okay as it is, but there's always room for improvement, particularly as I'm a grad student!).
- Having the downtime I want to just DO things. I'm starting to realize just how important that is for my own personal happiness etc. to have time that isn't overscheduled, overbooked, overbusy, and rather just take the time for me and read books, play games, spend time with friends who matter (and frankly I don't do this enough outside of the online sphrere and the 'overbusy' one).
- Dedicating enough of my time and resources to things and causes I care about. Yes doing things for Kiwanis can occasionally be stressful or busy. Yes supporting worthwhile art and community projects can be financially, time, or otherwise taxing.
- I so want an ability to be in two+ places at once (okay I'll admit this will never happen, but all the good things do have a tendency to be scheduled at the same time, darn it! That said, I really do occasionally appreciate the fact that this does force me to re-analyze my priorities and make tough decisions).
- I want a job that I feel passionate about -- not just all the volunteer/education/extracurricular things I feel that way about now.

I really did spend a lot of time this year looking at my social relationships, trying to figure out where my headspace is at, and struggling with the aspects of growing up. I'm no less of an imperfect person than any other, in many respects, and I have a long way to go toward hopes and dreams, goals and realities but I'm getting there I hope!

... yes indeed, I've been busy. I spent another week in bed this month (one week a month since the beginning of the year... this ought not to become a trend, yikes!). And that sent all of February off kilter. But I did recover enough in time for CKI District Convention in Calgary, and for a marvelous Dishcrawl in the 124th Street area, a delicious Lunar New Year Feast, some board gaming and well... yes I'm actually working at a modicum of chores and thesis work.

Things are ramping up for Kiwanis work again (not that they haven't been busy since the beginning of 2013, but still!), and I'm truly enjoying that aspect of my life when it's not trying to add to my stress-load. I've been eating semi-more healthy-ish lately as well (it would be healthier of course but for the fact that I still have quite a few remaining treats sitting about to consume... but everything in moderation, right?).

AS for health, I'm still waking up mildly congested, but otherwise I seem to have recovered from my killer cold. My wrists and left arm are occasionally acting up so that's not entirely pleasant, but it's not nearly as bad as in late December/early January. What is perhaps more concerning is the reappearance of a remarkably itchy spot on my body (in October it was mostly on my arm and upper body, this spot is on my ankle). The itchiness is occasionally bad enough to interrupt sleep. I do my best not to scratch and I have been applying the prescription anti-itch cream I got in October, but it's really really annoying just the same. And at the time we couldn't figure out what it was either. It's some sort of allergy or immune response to something that's contact based as far as I can tell, and it looks vaguely like a bug bite but the itchy area is far larger than the mark on my skin is. *shrugs* I wish I knew.

That likely sums up a short little update. Hopefully I blog more frequently in the future!

So how on earth did I manage to not blog here at ALL throughout the month of January? This is completely unlike me! And I've had my LJ since 2004 so it's not like this is a new habit or something! Well part of the reason was purely being physically run down this month. At the beginning of the month I was mainly dealing with a really painful/numb-ish left arm (my doctor said he'd refer me to a neurologist but I haven't heard back. I'm still waiting on a hematologist referal so I'll continue impatiently waiting... I just hope for answers before I am no longer a student and will likely have to stop using the University Health Centre). That's mostly subsided by now, thank goodness. At some points it was quite honestly painful to type of all things, and given that I was starting to get back into a mode where I could actually get stuff accomplished with reference to thesis and whatnot (this is the big thing that looms over me, the thesis work that has honestly gone nowhere over the past year -- as much as I've tried), and it still acts up for no seeming reason on occasion but doesn't seem to be as severe as to interupt all computing forcing me to be essentially couch bound and less than useful as a cashier to boot...

Well at that point I flew to Indianapolis for the SLP conference, which was a great weekend balance of hanging out with great friends whom I see all too rarely, meeting new Kiwanis folks, talking with Hazel and Cory from my own district, and learning things (both about changes within Kiwanis and about CKI administrator stuff and other things to help with my volunteer jobs). It was a great weekend with good food (well lots of it too!), and fabulous karaoke to cap things off! (yes I may have made a fool of myself on the dance floor, but I don't care and haven't yet seen photographic or video evidence of this so whatever).

I made it back to Edmonton for three shifts at the store... the first of which being subpar because my flight home was delayed enough that I had to take a $65 cab ride home. Ugh. Regardless I essentially came home to work and didn't even get caught up on the internet tasks that I had before me due to travel before departing again this time for a much smaller and less fancy conference with great people from Key Leader (also a Kiwanis conference). This meant a good balance between mediocre hotel food, fast food runs (two trips to Steak 'n Shake! one trip to White Castle [which I'm not sure I would repeat but was worth doing!]), and getting things done. I'll admit to have learned a ton about Key Leader, my roles and responsibilities (much of which is linked to my frustrations in people not registering online to do what they promised, or even messaging me back about Key Leader things) [by the way does anyone want to be a female chaperone for a camp March 23-25? I will need to know ASAP]. It was an invaluable conference. These conferences do a ton to reinvigorate myself, I think I've learned that now and need to stop making other excuses for why they're not of great use value, they really are. Particularly in the winter, particularly when I've really been struggling for whatever reason.

By the time I returned to the Indianapolis Airport I was starting to get nasal congestion and craving veggies really badly. I've spent the majority of this week in bed as a result. I haven't had a cold hit me this bad in... forever? I mean, it's a cold but I think I was feverish for a couple of days (mild fever). I've been sleeping most of the time (and I called in sick to work twice. I HATE calling in sick to work) so I really hope I'll be up to working at 7am tomorrow, honestly I had better be! After all, I've been out of bed for more than 6 hours today, sitting at the computer, so I'm not utterly useless anymore, I guess. The only two things I managed to do this week were on Monday and Tuesday nights (Kiwanis meeting and Edmonton Girl Geek Dinner) when I was feeling much healthier than I am even now. I've been eating but not huge amounts (though the Girl Geek Dinner was huge and lovely and oh so delicious and healthy and....!), and I've felt pretty weak as a result, but I'm super happy I made leftovers and froze them when I made a lentil rice veggie dish before I left for the second trip, meaning I have something to eat now.

So suffice to say I'm tired of being sick, but I'm finally starting to catch up with the real world and trying to deal with the oh so many things that pull me in far too many directions these days. CKI and Key Leader stuff still potentially stress me out, but they're slowly being taken care of and I'm getting a handle on all the little fires that need putting out, so to speak. And well one of these days I'm really going to tackle the thesis thing properly. I will. Sitting in this stupid limbo with a thesis hanging over my sick head has been no fun. Real physical illness is no fun. I need to take better care of myself than that, and so I look forward to filling my home with yummy foods, to re-engaging with the world and getting stuff done! Plus now that I'm not like laid out with this darnned cold, I'm going to try to be social again...

... and while I don't imagine that anyone really likes them or housework in general, housework and chores in general are a necessary part of living (well, I guess except if you're so exceedingly rich that you choose to spend your money on being waited on hand and foot, but even most rich folks don't choose to expend their money this way... there's a reason why they're rich after all!)... and I'm waiting for folks to show up to a quiet board game night at my apartment to play many great games (I believe that Cards Against Humanity will make an appearance but there are tons of other good ones like Elder Sign [did I mention that I got gifted with the awesome game, Elder Sign, yesterday?!? I'm so very pleased as I've wanted it for quite a while!] and many more to play depending on attendance!

When thinking of housework, I don't often think of just how old some tools are (and how newfangled others are) to accomplish certain tasks. And I use a great straw broom to sweep the floors, a great sturdy Electrolux vacuum to vacuum them, a newfangled Norwex mop to scrub them, and some other great Quirky products to help in these tasks. Likewise washing dishes includes a mix of tools from new to old fashioned. And you know what? Sometimes these products do in fact help or improve on that which has come before, but at other points I just wonder 'what were they thinking?' when they came up with one item or another, whether I'm seeing it in a store or whether I'm attempting to use it (or use it up for that matter). It's really interesting how the product development journey works when it comes to completing chores.

I don't always have complete control over what tools I am using (for example the washer and dryer in my apartment building are pretty much my best choice for laundry but they often leave something to be desired, whether in the time they take to accomplish a task, or the residue left behind from other tenants in the building etc.)... but when I do have the choice it's often an interesting balance between new and old, tried and true and new and improved etc. And it's not always the item that I expect that will win the battle to be the one I'll use most often for household chores!

And while there's probably a ton I could write about, including my improving mood (but still my inability to feel well rested, warm, or not plagued by procrastination -- most of which I could easily blame on the days being short and not getting enough sunlight, and my apartment feeling unusually cool this holiday season, resulting in my needing to wear PANTS and sweaters [the horror!])... but well, I don't entirely know about the well-rested bit... and there is the occasionally worrying doctor's visit, but whatever. It's the holiday season and I generally adore the holidays.

Christmas with the family this year was a short sojourn, and my youngest brother hosted Christmas eve. We totally spoiled each other with gifts! I'm really pleased with the Tim Minchin CDs I got (which I listened to this afternoon) for example! Other noteworthy gifts include two Misto sprayers, a great Looney Spoons cookbook, a spa gift certificate, a couple seasons of tv shows, a graphic novel I had been wanting plus The Absolute Sandman volumes 2 and 3 (I already had 1), a great bracelet and quite a few other smaller gifts. I still have a few gifts yet to receive/exchange so I'm pretty darn pleased. The fact that this season has included spending time with friends and family, some of whom I hadn't really reconnected with in a long while has gone a long way to rekindling my better spirits (though I do still get into the occasional mental funk) and while my work schedule has resulted in a bit of burning the candle at both ends so to speak, I'm making my way in the world appropriately I think. If only I could iron out an appropriate balance between being motivated and not being too busy or not busy enough! That plus more energy and mental acuity would make for a much more lovely time I think.

Still it's been a good holiday season including some grand gatherings (both for and against Christmas, the end of the world, and to warm homes to list a few reasons), some good food and drink (my actual complete discovery that I like WARM alcoholic beverages was a neat one), and the occasional successful cooking experiment. It seems I still have a ways to go in many respects, but I think I'm slowly getting back on track to where I want to be and well, the holidays are going a long way to getting there (plus the days are indeed getting longer, yay!).

And well, I have a bunch of things I could talk about both physical and non, I guess.

I maintain two wishlists online: one is on Amazon.ca and only consists of things I stumble upon on Amazon.ca so it's pretty limited but does include a selection of items that I do actually want. http://www.amazon.ca/registry/wishlist/KL451NLK7LUL
The other is on my Board Game Geek profile and basically lists a wishlist of sorts of board games (pretty much only board games): http://boardgamegeek.com/wishlist/AliKira

But there are evidently other things that I want and wish for, as per the usual. Many of which do not fit squarely into the categories of Amazon.ca items or board games (as awesome as both tend to be!) And no, this list is not in any particular order but for an order of things that I've managed to come up with I guess:
-Jonathan Coulton's new album: "One Christmas At a Time" https://secure.jonathancoulton.com/ocaat/
-a better carry on travel bag (not that I know what that would be!), as mine are great but one that fits within carryon restrictions and is more useful and light and durable than the ones I already have would be ideal (pipe dream?)
-great times with awesome friends (yes I'm working on this)
-a glass pen (with ink of course) for my letter writing hobby (which I don't do enough of, but I've wanted one for SO LONG!)
-ideally someday I would own an eliptical machine, but I will admit that these are large and cumbersome and that I probably don't have adequate space for one, particularly as I've come up with better ideas as to how to use the extra room in my place... but someday, eh?
-a great board gaming table and chairs, along with board game storage cabinets to outfit either the spare room (currently) or someday in an awesomer home a games room... realistically I'm not going to worry about the gaming table and chairs at the moment, as I have no idea as to decor and whatnot for an eventual such room but I wouldn't mind getting some awesome wardrobes (IKEA) to use for board game storage (one to start with most likely with glass doors and shelves in it... as for colour not white, I'm unsure about choices to be honest or styles or anything unless I were to see it in person but damn it I do need better board game storage!).
-True love! ;) (yes I don't believe in love at first sight, I believe in lust at first sight... but hey companionship and romance would always be nice... that said, I'm perfectly happy with the friends I already have though it would always be nice to have more awesome folks in my life!)
-less stress (yes stress has been occasionally negatively impacting me this past year. I'm working on it).
-more motivation to get my thesis work done (more motivation in general would be exquisite!)
-the money and time to have a true vacation [and not a vacation alone](I'll admit that this won't happen until I'm at least finished school, and that finishing school might cause me to be less likely to have the finances that I WANT to spend on a true vacation. I do still plan to finish within the next year though).
-some awesome made-to-measure boots! http://poppybarley.com/ no, I can't really afford this right now, but my stylish boots are starting to really wear out so I'll need to replace them eventually... and this keeps coming to mind!
-in fact made to measure footwear in general is awfully appealing! As are most clothing items!
-I really want to get a new winter coat one of these years (mine is slowly wearing out though it has another year or two in it if need be).
-newfangled snowshoes (I have the old fashioned kind but they're kind of too big for my frame and damn it I want to go snowshoeing more often!) (on that same note: snow pants, cross-country skis and poles and the wherewithall to use them, and really other trips into the great outdoors without freezing myself silly would be great!
-delicious hot chocolate (mine is running out) that is marginally healthy (sans extra preservatives if I could!) and did I mention delicious?
-Okay I really should get my skates sharpened, but someday I also want to own figure skates again (not just hockey ones!) and I wanna go skating this winter!
-and doing something about my movie watching deficit (with company as I suck at watching suspenseful movies alone apparently if yesterday is any indication) might be wise!
-I want to get some heavier dumbbells (probably an adjustable set (of two) that starts at 5 pounds and goes up from there to 25 or 30 pounds each (or more) in 5 pound increments would be ideal). I really don't need anything super heavy (I don't think I could handle it right now) but my light weights are on the verge of being too light again and I like lifting them!
-Awesome things, experiences, happenings etc. I mean I don't actually always know what I want/need.
-Great food... I'm doing better at cooking for myself these days without getting overly bored of my leftovers, and I do occasionally use Groupons and the like to entertain folks and eat some delicious creations, but I do adore good foodstuffs and so that's rather appreciated.
-pampering (a la Spa or otherwise) as this would also probably help with the stress issue.
-balance in life (working on it, but others have helped too!)
-thick warm tights or long socks (that actually stay up or have some method of staying up) such that I can still wear my skirts in the winter, please!! Geeky ones are awesome too... like literary tights or otherwise!

That's what I can manage to come up with at the moment. And I think that that will do for now. I mean, sure there's other things but given that this is a Christmas wishlist I won't actually focus on the whole 'world peace', and other huge wishes that no single person can even fathomably gift. And no I don't expect receiving ANY of these above things (though some would be rather welcomed), because that's not what it's all about. I much prefer finding gifts for others rather than asking for stuff for myself... but seeing as I've been asking folks what they want, I may as well answer their questions too! And I like to be a whole heck of a lot more comprehensive than well some folks (who I shall not name here) who haven't answered the questions with enough information, particularly when they're gift exchanges that traverse a considerable distance, are for people I don't know well enough, or are for very particular people!

I know that the second I hit 'post' on this, I will immediately think of other things that I might want be they items or experiences, but whatever. I try to put this list together every year. And only do a mediocre job. But I do very much love the holiday season, and gift giving is such fun!

So, crazy things of all crazy things, I seem to be blogging again so soon after the last one I wrote! Yay me! :) Anyway, perhaps my biggest complaint about Edmonton winter (particularly in this pre-Christmas time frame where the spirit of the holidays normally distracts me from most non-ice related weather complaints) is when I have difficulty getting and staying warm indoors. I mean, really, indoors usually I'm dealing with the technical marvel that is central heating, and to put it mildly I generally truly appreciate this feature of North American life (while I HATE the feature of many American hotels where the interiors are OVERLY air conditioned in the warmer months, but I digress).

At work, however, in the wintertime we are constantly contending with the joys of constantly breaking entrance and exit doors. This means that instead of having the double set of doors that open and close, sometimes only one of these two sets is fully functional, making the front end of the store, where I work, rather drafty and cold. It's not as if the store is incapable of being warm: indeed the further one is from these doors and said draft, the warmer one can be (well that and upstairs is a comparative sauna sometimes if you don't include the locker room, and the departments that run ovens are obviously warmer than those dominated by freezers but you get the idea). Today at work, no matter how hard I tried (and I drank warm water and ate warm food on my breaks to help deal with my feeling so cold!) I couldn't manage to get and STAY warm. Bah.

The sad thing is that upon my return home, I feel the same way. I have hidden under blankets, put on my rarely worn slippers (normally my feet overheat in slippers hence why I rarely wear the thin ones I actually like wearing), put on an extra sweater, worn a serape, put up my hood, and shivered... all in attempts to get and stay warm. My apartment's thermostat claims that it's at a balmy 20 degrees Celcius or thereabout but I highly doubt its accuracy for the majority of my apartment, which generally just feels cold. Eating warm soup, cooking, drinking hot chocolate, and using my computers has helped marginally but I still really really hope I sleep better tonight. I think my slumber has been less than ideal the last two nights from being cold (yes I will throw an extra blanket or two on the bed, but I'm not sure that that will either reduce my feeling of being cold or not result in my overheating (joy)). Sometimes I wish my internal temperature control made a bit more sense to me... Ah well, it is winter, I guess (even if the calendar claims the first day of winter to be more like the Solstice, I live in Edmonton and I'm going to be realistic, thanks!).

And that's perhaps the best summary of this past month or so that I can easily come up with, really. It has been a month of self-reflection, reflecting on the whole past year of emotional ups and downs, of realizing just where I am now, and just how much I needed a mental break from certain aspects for a bit. It's been a month of seeking out caring minds to speak to, to rekindling lost relationships with friends. It's been a month of deaths of acquaintances and friends of friends, it's been a month of volunteerism (yay for the free market's great success!), and it's been a month of regaining the balance that had been tipped too far in one direction or another. The whole year's been filled with learning experiences and this month is one where I've really come to realize a bunch of things about myself. The books I've been reading, the media I've been watching, and the people I've spent time with, some of whom I hadn't truly connected with in months and months, have all contributed to my feeling that yes, I can move forward and grow and change into a more lovely person than I was before. But it sure hasn't been an easy month, or year for that matter.

I have to choose my battles, choose the people I want to spend my time with, and choose the events and activities I will spend my time and efforts upon. And you know what, I'm darn happy for those choices, even if I'm not always enamored with those choices that certain others might make, life is a learning experience for them too, and realizing this, conceptually and more is important to me. To put it mildly, I'm not perfect. I'm very much flawed in many ways, but I've spent the last decade moving away from certain aspects of myself and toward others... towards greater self confidence... towards better friends... toward a better understanding of myself and my values. And you know what, I'm pretty darn thankful for these changes.

In 2012 I've embraced my geekiness, my nerdiness, my approach to social media and the Internet, and board games. I've become more happy with my roles within the Kiwanis family, and I've become more satisfied with some (but clearly not all) aspects of my social life. In the past month I've come to realize that the friends that I can count on, the ones who can help me the most are also the ones for whom I am perhaps the most helpful. This doesn't make life easy, but it makes it profoundly valuable, both to those other folks and to myself. I appreciate the fact that I can be a listening ear for some of my friends, that I can provide a hug when they need one on short notice, and that people feel comfortable venting to me whether in person or online or otherwise. Because this means that I can often do the same. And you know what? Some of the things that have been offered to me lately have been unexpected but yet wonderful whether or not I'll ever accept whatever they might be.

So that's where I am right now. Growing and changing. Trying to notice things I haven't noticed before. Trying to live more in the moment, rather than hiding out online. Trying to be the best ME that I can muster. Realizing that sometimes it's okay to be less than superhuman. And you know what? Today, while dealing with stuff that made my stomach go *ugh stressful*, I was able to accomplish things at a reasonable speed. I didn't ignore that feeling however, and I think I'm doing to do my utmost to work on de-stressing before it gets to the point where I am less than the marvelous that I need to/want to be. Because you know what? I'm the best me that I can be, and others, as well as myself, will just have to deal with that. Because I AM growing and changing, I am becoming the best I can and I'm getting better at saying 'yes' or saying 'no' to things that are the right ones for me and my needs.